Months have passed since my last post and I have spent many hours attempting to say whatever thing that comes next. Posts have been started, deleted, restarted, and trashed again. I lose the thread of my thoughts more quickly than I can type out the words. Self-doubt frequently inserts itself into the middle of a sentence and leers up at me from the page. Posts are abandoned in various states of non-completion, sometimes as only a nebulous title, sometimes as meandering paragraphs.
This is something far deeper than writer’s block. This restless inability to focus crosses all aspects of my life. There are a dozen or more half finished art projects sitting on my closet shelf. The bedside shelf where I keep books to be read is overflowing with volumes that I’ve picked up and put down again and again. Non-essential projects at work are floundering because I cannot seem to focus long enough to finish them. I suspect that part of this lack of focus is due to stress and chronic health issues. More likely, though, is that I am a human magpie and tend to grab at what’s shiny and interesting and as a result, have ended up with a large cache of projects that I don’t really want or need.
Fed up with half-finished projects and blank pages waiting for words, I’m resolving to stop wandering in circles this year and figure out which direction my internal compass is actually pointing. 2018 is going to be the year of deciding what (and also who) is worth my time and energy. I know that I want to continue to write and to do so without a lot of half finished pages. So, there, one decision made.
Other things will not be decided so easily. I am giving myself permission to fail, to abandon things that no longer serve me well, and to remove them from my life entirely. I am also obligating myself to put more effort into those projects, things, and people that I decide are important. It is time to find my direction again.