On Second Thought

After my first full night’s sleep in several days, I have decided to take down my last post.  It didn’t come out quite the way I’d intended.  My original purpose in writing it was to talk about finding oneself suddenly thrown into a unexpected working partnership with another practitioner.  What came out instead had more whinge than substance.  The focus ended up being on the awful events of the week, which really is not what I set out to do.  In my rambling, I unintentionally put a spotlight on someone else’s pain in a way that caused more hurt, for which I am sincerely sorry.

I do plan to revisit my original idea for the post, but want to do so in more thoughtful way. It might be best to approach this retrospectively, after I have we have a better idea of the shape of this working partnership.  Right now, there are more urgent matters that need attention than speculation about intersecting paths and shared work. The focus now needs to be burying the dead, mourning for what is lost, and caring for those who still live. Everything else will wait.

An Unexpected Gift

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What interesting memories this scent stirs.

Last Samhain was the first time in quite awhile that I’ve done any sort of ritual practice with others present.  Being a coven of one usually isn’t an issue, but lately I’ve been feeling the absence of other pagans in my daily life.  Old pagan friends have drifted away or crossed the threshold without new ones taking their places.  I miss interacting with people who speak the same spiritual language.

As if I weren’t feeling nostalgic enough for things past, I received a little “saw this and thought of you” gift this week – a sandalwood rose Solstice candle.  The giver had no way of knowing but this scent evokes strong memories of my earliest days on this path.  It was a period of being broken wide open in an excruciatingly painful way.  Time has eroded away the sharp and painful edges of those memories and softened the scars left by those days.

The unexpected gift was not the candle itself, but the realization that I am no longer hostage to those past hurts.  The scent leaves me filled with comfort and hope, rather than reminding me of the heartbreak and sorrow that predominated the period.  The giver has given a gift worth so much more than they can know.  It is a good reminder that even a self-proclaimed solitary can still find love and support in the loneliest of times.

The candle is sitting on my altar at the moment, waiting for Solstice sunrise to be lit. Long may it burn and long may those friendships linger in my memories.

(Note: This post was written a few days before it was actually posted here.  For readers who follow this blog, that is why it contains no mention of the week’s events and why I sound much happier than I had a right to be).

Online Shrine Update

Just a quick update to say that the memorial shrine previously linked on this blog has ceased to be.  The website that hosted the shrine has closed down after an eight year run, to the disappointment of many.  Since I haven’t been able to find a good replacement, I’m creating a memorial shrine on this blog.  Link is at the top of the page.  It’s nothing exciting, but does at least give a space to remember and honor those who have gone. Memorials may be left as a comment on the page. I’ll give this a trial run over the next few weeks and if it looks feasible, will maintain it as a permanent part of the blog.

Fan Mail

My last post generated a bit of hate mail, most of which has been laughable.  By far the most entertaining was the note that accused me of being a “wicked witch” who uses my “friends on the other side” to corrupt “poor unfortunate souls.”  As much as I’d like to reply to that correspondence, I’m far too busy trying to keep  up with Disney sing-along to bother with such trivialities.

Oh sorry, is my snark showing?

The rest of the mail seemed to be from disgruntled self-proclaimed paranormal investigators who took umbrage with my flippant (or is that flipping off?) behavior toward one of their own.  I’m not going to take the time to answer those individually, but will address some of the more salient points here.If conclusion-jumping were an Olympic sport, you all would be gold medal contenders.  I never said that I had a problem with paranormal investigators on the whole.  Nowhere in this blog have I made that statement.  Nor have I been dismissive of the field as a whole.  Nor was my response to the guys at the cemetery “completely unprovoked”.  What you have failed to grasp is that what  I posted was an anecdote, not the full story.  It would have taken away from the humor if I’d given the full tale. The short version of what happened: The cemetery is on private land with no trespassing signs clearly posted. Unless you have the combination for the lock on the gate, the only way in is over a barbed wire fence. The investigator and his buddy did not have permission to be on the property.  When I asked them respectfully to leave, they decided that an appropriate response was “Fuck off, bitch.”  So, yes, they were given the bird and a few choice words to go with it.  When the property owner (a sweet lady in her 80’s) showed up, they gave her the same treatment, first trying to get her to play along with their game of provoking the dead and then calling her names when she refused.  In the end, the investigator and his buddy were escorted off the property in handcuffs by a sheriff’s deputy.  See, told you it wasn’t so humorous in its full telling.
Rather going with a knee-jerk reaction when you think one of your own has been slighted, you might want to consider who’s side you’re actually taking.  The guy you were so quick to defend is giving you all a bad reputation.  Do you really want to be associated with someone who has no respect for anyone else and believes that calling himself a paranormal investigator gives him the right to do whatever he pleases, including breaking the law?
That just about covers this week’s fan mail.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get back to the Disney sing-along now.

In Which Sam Eats Crow & Someone Else Gets the Bird

It’s been an interesting week. Interesting as in “May you live in interesting times”. Interesting in a “For the love of all that is good and sacred, make it stop” sort of way.  Interesting as in “Was the universe really so bored that it needed to send all this fuckwittery my way?”

(I’m going to serve up a little rant here. There will be a generous helping of sarcastic humor with a bit of WTF sauce on the side. No birds or spirits were harmed in the writing of this post.  I can’t say the same for the humans. You’ve been warned.)

My friend Michael invited me a picnic earlier this week. It should have been a fun afternoon, hanging out at the lake with a bunch of people, eating barbeque, and relaxing.  It started out that way, just a normal social gathering.  I pride myself in being able to get through my days without setting off anyone’s weird-shit-o-meter. I am also fairly skilled at blending into the background in any social situation.  I almost made it through the entire picnic without so much as a sideways look from anyone.

Almost.

My own internal radar started pinging when the crows showed up.  Crows are common as dirt here, so a random crow doesn’t even warrant notice. Even a dozen crows perching nearby won’t generate any interest.  When several dozen perch in a circle of trees, all turned the same direction without a single vocalization… well, if you need an omen, look no further. One for sorrow, two for joy, but forty-two for what? The life, the universe, and everything? For knowing where your towel is? For a Douglas Adams tribute flight? I don’t actually know how many crows were there, but this is where my brain went while watching them.

As it turns out, the crows were watching a latecomer to the party.  Because the universe has a sick sense of humor, the latecomer was Sam, who I haven’t seen since the “it’s not you” conversation last fall. I forgot about the crows momentarily in anticipation of an awkward reunion.  I expected things to be civil between us, if not a bit short on words and uncomfortable. What I didn’t expect was a confrontation.  When Sam saw me, he came over straight over and promptly start shouting.  We know enough people in common that he has been aware of the happenings in my life over the last few months.  Apparently, he does not agree with my decisions regarding my health and told me so in no uncertain terms while explaining what I ‘need’ to do. Bad idea.

In the process of telling me what he thought of my choices, he brought up and then immediately derided my spiritual beliefs. Really bad idea.

When then I tried to walk away, he demanded that I listen to him and seized my arm to keep me from leaving.  Very. Bad. Idea.

I’m not sure who struck Sam first – me or the crow that dived out of the tree. The crow was still trying to peck at Sam’s face when Michael stepped between us and tried unsuccessfully to shoo it away. Without thinking, I said “stop it” rather more loudly than intended.  The crow squawked once and immediately flew back to its perch in the tree. What followed was dead silence and all eyes on me.  So much for not setting off anyone’s weird-shit-o-meter (really don’t know what the crow thing was about, definitely not my doing). Fortunately, someone cracked a joke about Sam eating crow and the tension evaporated. Humans and crows both managed to get through the rest of the picnic without further incident. Although Sam did get a bit twitchy any time he looked at me or the crows. I think he was wondering which of us was responsible for his bloodied lip.

Sam has since made a half-ass apology for the way he approached the situation. When he expresses regret for his actual words, I’ll consider accepting his apology. Until then, the crows can bloody well have him.  I cannot continue to expend energy on someone who has consistently tried to push me away while at the same time refusing to let me go. I’m certainly not going to invest another minute in someone who disregards my personal sovereignty and attempts to use my own beliefs as a way to insult me. It’s been a fun ride, but I’m getting off now, thank you very much.

As if that drama was not enough, Michael has managed to break my brain. Since we met last Samhain, he’s become a dear friend and source of support and strength through the last few months.  I’ve actually been impressed with the fact that he always taken things in stride, no matter what I’ve thrown at him.  He’s been consistently calm and accepting of whatever is happening.  The weirdness at the picnic only seems to have amused him, as he’s taken to referring to me as “Crow Whisperer” at every opportunity and then laughs until tears are streaming from his eyes, cawing all the while. Did I mention that he’s very mature and reserved?

His laid back attitude was explained at lunch yesterday. When we were parting, a certain guardian of mine made a somewhat obscene but incredibly funny remark.  Michael snorted in response and I nearly fell over when I realized he’d heard the comment. Michael just grinned and said “What? Do you think you’re the only one who can see what others can’t? That you’re the only one on a god’s payroll?”  Bloody hell.  I bow to his ability to avoid setting off people’s weird-shit-o-meters. I was completely blind-sided. Michael escaped before my brain re-engaged, so he still has some explaining to do. So does my guardian. And so do some gods. The rest of the universe might want to chime in as well.

In other news, I had a run-in with a “paranormal investigator”.  There’s a distant cousin many times removed who was interred in this area more than a century ago. I try to get out to his grave at least once a year to grave-tend and leave an offering. When I stopped by this week, the investigator was setting up to film in the cemetery and asked if I would be willing to try to provoke him (the cousin) into “giving a sign”.  I don’t think the sign he got was quite what he was looking for. For some reason, he turned down my generous offer to repeat the sign on camera.  *adjusting my halo so that it doesn’t strangle me*  Bless his little heart,he got so flustered when I was just trying to help.

I’m going to have to stop rolling my eyes now or I’ll end up with a bigger headache than I already have. I’m hoping for a normal week – no shouting, no revelations, no crows, and most importantly, no fuckwittery.  I’m sure that’s too much to ask, but one can dream.

Sunset Blues

The birds sing their farewells to the sun as it slowly sinks below the ridge tops.  Shadows begin to muster for their nightly gathering as the frogs warm up to voice their hymns to the night.  Darkness is held momentarily at bay as the last golden rays float lazily across the valleys.  An ever-cooling breeze brings with it the somnolent sweetness of honeysuckle and the faintest whiffs of woodsmoke from a distant fire. It is the time of day that begs for stories to be told, for the voices of the blessed dead to be heard, and for the living to remember that which has passed.

Evening twilight has always been my favorite time of day but it’s rare that I take the time to watch the light fade from the sky and open myself to the stories wanting to be told.  There are always other priorities, other obligations that must be met. It seems that the more life becomes filled with things to accomplish and do, the further away I move from those things that I find most fulfilling. I have had a tendency to take on projects that aren’t my passion – whether out of a sense of obligation, duty, or just a need to be able to check things off of a to-do list. I broke from this pattern of behavior over the winter, as my focus had narrowed to recovery, rest, and very little else.  Now that I’m getting back to old routines, I find myself again getting wrapped up in the minutiae of to-do lists and projects. As I do so, the same old frustrations creep back into my thoughts.

Much of my discontent with my online life springs from this same source.  As I mentioned in my last post, my first priority was tackling those spaces over which I do not have significant control.  While I may occasionally check in or lurk to read interesting posts, I will be mostly absent from those spaces. Social media will probably also go the way of the dinosaur.  My plan is to continue this blog, assuming I can find both the inspiration and energy to write posts.  If priorities must be made, posting here will need to take a distant second to activities that are directly related to my practice.  It’s a fair trade-off, I think, as it’s hard to write about my path if I’m not actually following it.

This evening, I found myself sitting on a westward facing porch at sunset.  In the fading amber light, fireflies danced and shadows gained substance. The living drank toasts to those who had gone before and drew strength from retelling old stories.  The dead, in their turn, whispered of days past, ensuring that their memories will not soon be forgotten.  In these moments, I am most alive, most aware of the path under my feet.  I would not trade moments like this for all the screen time in the world.

Pondering My Online Presence

Thanks to that Very Serious Illness mentioned in my last post, I have spent the last four months in an extended, largely involuntary downtime during which there was a great deal of introspection and reflection but very little in the way of public communications.

During some of the longer and more medicated hours of pondering, I’ve considered quite seriously ending my public  online presence as a practicing pagan. By that, I mean that I would stop blogging here, stop posting in pagan forums and communities, and close the social media accounts that are used strictly for interacting with other pagans and eclectics.  In short,  I’ve considered limiting my spiritual expression to activities to the worlds where I am actively practicing and only interacting with those actually a part of my practice.  What difference would it make I wondered – to myself, to my deities, to other seekers?  Does the world really need one more voice spouting their opinions and views? More importantly, does my path require this public face? If not, what am I and others getting out of this?

The question also came up of why I began to question my online presence in the first place.  Is there something going on that is making me feel that I need to withdraw?  Has there been some shift, either in myself or the overall online pagan collective, that makes me question my presence there?  Is this a case of self-doubt, an identity crisis brought on by health issues, or a true need to re-examine what I do?

I have been working through these questions over the last few weeks and am only just now beginning to come up with some answers. Nothing is set in stone yet but here are the salient points so far:

  • Changes are needed, that much is certain.  Much of my spiritual online time during the past year has left me feeling firstly angry and hurt and then empty and drained.  I have too little resources to spare for something that makes me unhappy.
  • My Lady has reminded me in a very loud and firm voice that this does not need to be an either/or situation.  It is possible to come up with a better online presence that does not leave me feeling drained or unwelcome.  She has been silent, however, on how this is to be accomplished or why continuing to maintain an online presence is important.
  • My first priority needs to be to decide how much of myself to invest in spaces that are not under my control as these places are the source of much of my questioning (e.g., online communities and forums).  There has been a trend toward  a few very vocal folks proclaiming that theirs the is right and only way and that anyone who do not agree should be verbally beaten down and/or dismissed as pariahs.  The question is whether  it is worth the effort to maintain a presence in those spaces or if I should focus my energy elsewhere.
  • Guidelines and limits need to be set for myself if I chose to continue with a public presence, particularly in reference to those shared spaces.

That’s as good and brief of summary of the last few weeks as I can give.  Things are ever changing; the only question that really remains is what those changes will bring.