Winter brings a time of introspection and withdrawal from the outside world. The weather does all that it can to encourage this behavior. Even as I type this, rime ice coats the surrounding mountain ridges and the temperatures are cold enough that sitting near the window calls for a cozy sweater. These are the kinds of nights that I am content making a ritual out of sitting by candlelight with a warm mug of spiced wine and letting my thoughts wander where they will.
Most of my 2018 winter musings have been focused on the misadventures of the last three years. The Very Serious IllnessesTM have been mentioned in previous posts, as has the loss of Sam. There have been other things that I’ve had neither the will or courage to put into words – the violence that left a friend’s family shattered, the separation from my former employer, the unexpected loss of my sister. These are bleak things to mull over on dark and cold winter’s night. They are full of shadows and cold darkness and do little to dispel the gloom of the season.
Instead of returning to these phantoms of the past again tonight, I’ve spent the evening writing up my vision for the coming year- all the things that I’d like to happen, do, or be in 2018. There’s a lot on there and it ranges wildly from the frivolous (crocheting a pair of yoga socks) to the deadly serious (remission continuing through the entire year). It isn’t precisely a list of goals or resolutions but it may represent the beginning of one, with a little editing and polish. More than anything, it’s been an opportunity to let my thoughts wander to things, if not happier, then at least in from the cold world of loss. And who knows? By this time next week, I may actually have that list of goals written.