A couple posts ago, I mentioned that I “won’t be doing any trail running in the foreseeable future.” The unforeseeable future was another matter entirely.
Today I ran.
I ran because every single sore spot of my being has been poked and prodded in the last few weeks. I ran because I am tired of being held back by my own body’s failure to function correctly. I ran because February saw the deaths of five people with whom I was acquainted. I ran because I have spent the last few weeks once again dealing with an individual whose sociopathic behavior made my life a hell for far too long. I ran because the person to whom I feel most connected nearly succeeded in ending his life. I ran because I was reminded in a painful way of why I find trust and love difficult. I ran because there has not been a moment this week, not even in sleep, when I’ve been able to process everything that is happening. I ran because there was no other outlet for the anger, anxiety, and fear that all of these things are creating.
I ran until my knee buckled, leaving me sprawled face down in a muddy patch of trail. Falling made me furious, mostly at myself for being such an idiot. The questions came screaming through my head loud and clear: When are you going to stop running from things that cause you pain? When are you going to stand and face your fears? When are you going to stop letting your life be controlled by pain? When are you going to thank that handsome guy Loki for all of his help lately?
What? Wait a minute…
Well now, that would explain a lot, particularly why a lot of hidden truths have been coming to the surface lately and why masks are getting ripped off of those who would wear them. Why I’ve had a compulsion to burn red, orange, and yellow candles. Why I have been finding weird ‘goodies’ in my shopping cart that I didn’t put in there (today it was Pop-Rocks and Cheerwine). Why my mp3 player will not stop playing Combichrist’s “Kickstart the Fight” no matter how many times I try to delete the song. Okay, maybe I’ve been a little slow on the uptake, but I’m fully aware now that Loki is not just lurking but actively ‘helping’.
Does anyone need one slightly used and somewhat demented trickster deity? Free to a good home, but I won’t promise that he’s housebroken.