Sometimes, just when I think I know exactly what I going to do and just how I am going to do it, a juggernaut comes from out of nowhere and lays me out flat. This is often followed by long periods of staring blankly into space while all the gears and wheels inside my head try to mesh together again in some sensible functioning way. Today, apparently, is one of those juggernaut days.
This morning I was certain that I’d finally got down my ideas for the February addition to my ritual calendar. It’s a lovely, light working, something to help ease the heaviness of winter and to encourage a bit of self-care for SAD. Everything was laid out beautifully in my notes, just waiting for me to type it up. When I tried to open the file this morning, it was gone. Not moved. Not accidentally sent to the trash. Just gone without a trace.
This is not a big deal. I have enough of the ritual memorized that I still write it up without the notes and so I opened WordPress. When I did, a post in the feed caught my eye – Between the ribs from Rock of Eye. Before you click, I should probably say that this might be disturbing to some readers. It disturbed me, but not for any of the obvious probable reasons. I read the post three times in between pacing and muttering “shit” a lot to myself. Hours later, I’m still twitchy because this particular juggernaut blindsided me with something that hits too close to home. That someone else has experienced this makes it more significant and less easy to dismiss as a misfiring of an overly creative mind.
I usually write about things here that I think would be useful to other eclectic seekers. What I don’t talk much about are the very deepest, grittiest bits of my path, because they are deeply personal and interwoven with my relationship to my deity in a way that is far too intimate and intense to put into words. Alex’s post laid out one of those things that I’ve refrained from talking about here – a desire to meet death at the hands of one’s deity. I’m still not sure that I’m ready to discuss this with any depth here, but I will say that I have had this same experience, a vision of dying at the hand of my deity. In my case, it was not a steel blade, but a complete and utter consumption by fire, a destruction to ashes. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter for now, just an acknowledgement that it happened.
As I’ve thought about the above experience today, a message from Her has come through loud and clear – that while the planned February ritual is “acceptable”, it is not what I should or need to be doing. My impression is that what I’d planned was a little too light, a bit too nice, a bit too sweet, and a bit too likely to have zero impact. While I’m still trying to work out what it is that She wants, I know that it relates to that vision and to (metaphorically) burning myself down to ashes and seeing what rises from them. The mechanics of how I’m going to accomplish this are not clear to me at all, nor is the exact purpose of doing so. So from having a full ritual for the month, I’ve come full circle back to having only the vaguest idea of what to do and twenty-seven days to figure it out. No pressure, of course.